umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry