Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Bill is short for Billiam

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”