umm…
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*