Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
How do you like your Corgi?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.