Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
We’re all getting idioter.