“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Yes, but it was never about money
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.