Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

This a good idea

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.