“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
We will use anything but the metric system
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
“Huge”.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Whoa 😂
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see