Ummm
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Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
want me to check your oil?
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
(Electricians.)
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.