Ummm
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You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
next question.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting