Ummm
You Might Also Like
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age