Ummm
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Owl Sanctuary
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.