Ummm 😳
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The first matador
Every time.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights