Ummm 😳
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively