Ummm 😳
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
asking santa clause for nudes
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”