Ummm đł
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spending weeks telling my gf about the âspecial nightâ i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Twitter should send notifications when youâre about to get fired and divorced.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeahâŚ. rightâŚ
This made me smileâŚ
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monicaâs apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, youâll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I saw my shadow today. You wonât see that on the evening news because Iâm not a stupid fuzzy animal
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello⌠[trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Me]: Whatâs a snowmanâs favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: âŚ
[Me]: jk snowmen donât drink they arenât real
I donât understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didnât actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising â his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
âCollege looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insaneâ
My camera roll:
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last nightâs movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as theyâre into sports.
*meets someone whoâs really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
âWhat?â
â Jude
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if youâve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure youâre all right. I keep telling them I donât know what work is but they still keep calling me anywayâŚ
Been married six months and I canât even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Weâre looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Iâve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented âripâ. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Growing up was a huge mistake
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5â9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours