Ummm 😳
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
😍😂🥰😂😍
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
We’ve all been there
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*