Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

I think this should do it.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers