Ummm 😳
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.