Ummm 😳
You Might Also Like
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Welcome
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]