Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
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There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Was it something I said?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
This seems like peak sibling energy
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan