Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
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I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
*jingles half the way*
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky