Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
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me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
me as a parent
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Called it
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.