Ummm 😳
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?