Ummm 馃槼
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Let鈥檚 go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[after sex]
ME: that was鈥agnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
strongly relate to the honey cake鈥檚 needs
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I WON A HAM TODAY
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It鈥檚 a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
It鈥檚 extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.