Ummm
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Chemical wingman
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
☠️☠️☠️
