Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

I beg you to euthanise me

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.