Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
That’s not how days work.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Bartenders are just boneless bars
cyclists
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood