Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.