Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.