Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
No flush
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
