Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

August 8

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.