Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
You Might Also Like
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*