Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”