Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.