Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?