Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
You Might Also Like
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
felt cute might bury dad later idk
