Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!