Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.