Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*