Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.