uncle dave has been through hell
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Huge if true.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Winnipeg!!
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”