uncle dave has been through hell
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Seductively sings in Klingon.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.