Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You Might Also Like
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good