Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
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I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.