Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You Might Also Like
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Noted.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach