@AndyAsAdjective

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

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@Smafa

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

@Jam453Lane

When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.

@BevisSimpson

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

@fixyourcompass

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

@MarfSalvador

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

@freezingsheep

If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!