Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.