[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?