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i wish i could marry a nap
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My beach vacation Google searches
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate