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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
new dr. seuss book dropping:
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.