Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?