Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!