Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening