Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’m not wrong
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza