Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
oh my god
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
That’s it.I’m out.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.