Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Seek kebab; not attention

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.