Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil


My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.


I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.


Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.


Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset


“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed


“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”


ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing


“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well