Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.