Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay