Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Meanwhile in Portland…

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly