under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.