under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*