under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?