under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
🌱🌱🌱
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”