Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post