under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
What
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?