Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
This is my pinned tweet
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat