Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

placebo pills? more like sike meds

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.