Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

this makes me so uncomfortable

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

My dream job is getting paid to dream

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.