Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.