[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.