[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Awwwww shit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.