[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?