undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Meow?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
