Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.