undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The most accurate map ever devised.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
