Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

I’m giving up for Lent.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

an airline just for babies.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

It was worth a shot 😂