Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
4yo: Do you want to come with us?
Me [driving]: Are you talking to your stuffie?
4yo [pointing at a cemetery we’re passing]: No, I’m talking to the dead people.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.